Trans ragas and my lover Famila

When I was learning Bhairav Bahar, initially I always felt that Bhairav is very masculine and Bahar is very feminine. Thus it led to an understanding of hetro relationship between the two ragas. More and more I practiced I started realising Bahirav Bahar as one body and not a love making between Bhairav and Bahar. It was in 2001 that I met Famila, a male to female transsexual. She was my Bhairav Bahar, the only raga which made me realise the expanse of feminism and queer politics.

The oscillation of Re in Bhairav - I saw how Famila would express her body, her gender accepting certain limits and respecting other bodies equally. The oscillation of Dha being her struggle to understand a woman's body and menstruation and saying that I want to understand what it means to buy a sanitary napkin and experience the pain before making a statement of glorifying menstruation. Yes the pain of menstruation is what I could see in the oscillation of Re and Dha in Bhirav which was very masculine.

Bodily realities, woman and her struggles, in the masculine Bhairav - Just sing Bhairav you see it as a trans raga. Why that oscillation in Re and Dha - Is it a statement of gender? Why these abstract notes create such images - it is not that I want to emotionally melodramatically respond to these musical tones and micro tones. They are my life. It is for I want to be what I am a gender queer for whom the thinking is through these notes of music. I dont breathe music but Famila would breathe gender. Once in Trissur Manohar conducted a workshop where Famila and I were present. He gave an exercise asking people to perform something that their opposite gender would do. Famila while performing broke into sobs saying "no I cannot even imagine myself in the opposite gender. It was a truama and even now it is a trauma like women experiencing periods". How true - Bahar's Komal Nee the masculine expression of being with body and the struggle for getting validated - that is what Bahar does in Bhairav Bahar.

Beyond compositions, Bhairavbahar the trans raga today is questioning me about how different genders stand in front of me and demand spaces - spaces for many genders - with other notes other than this Komal Nee, Re and Dha.

Hey wait am not saying this in a state of hallucination - I am still searching the expressions of genders beyond masculinity and feminity...... that today could be Famila, Sunil, Gee, Kaveri, Charu, ---------------------------

Madhyam Temptations

While I was being taught Bihag, Ramaraoji would always make fun of me that I was in love with Shudhdha Madhyam of Bihag. I would always highlight it unnecessarily and very unlike bihag. It was a temptation to reach the fullness of the Madhyam with shudhdha ga. I then heard Mogubai Kurdikar's Sawni and was instantly in love with it. Yet that fullness of the Madhyam of my dream ..... remained as it is, because even in Sawni it was not that Madhyam I was looking for. growing up i heard many film songs which did give a little hue of that but not like hugging a tree.
I continued my romance with that Madhyam in my dreams ...... and ...... one day Aditi Upadhya sang that Madhyam. I just cannot forget that experience !!!!
She then told me that Dinkar ji composed the Raga Gagan Vihang and it was that Madhyam that I was in love with. Oh!!!! that fullness, that soft cotton saree feeling and the fragrance of ancientness!!!!
Dinkarji and his sense of swaras and words is something that we can keep being amazed at for centuries. The way the word Chakor lands on the Madhyam is the most beautiful experience of this compositions and the Raga.
 http--www.sawf.org-audio-bihag-kaikini_gaganvihang.ram

Madhav Gudi Passed Away

In Keralan now. Amma called me in the morning and said Madhav Gudi passed away at 6 in the morning today. Memories flashed all over my face.
Why and how do many live such lives........ years of mad practise, living on the earnings of music which could be nothing at all, yet tremendous faith in the Swaras!!!!
I remember, in Bangalore Madhav Gudi performed and for that concert that day years ago, Pandith Dinkar Kaikini had come. I was sitting on the floor next to His chair. Madhav Gudi started his concert. Dinkarji just patted my back and said "look at his practise ..... sadhana..... when he ends the breath there is such a majesty in giving completeness to the swara without making it feeble. It ends so full and at the right sharp point of the swara like a sharp pencil tip point. He also said that this to Madhav Gudi nobody would have even told him.
I was 14 when i first met Madhav Gudi at Ramarao Ji's house. And we all went to perform in Bidar. Now all i can think of is how we as audience we only have ears and scores of criticisms and not a heart to understand the struggle of a life of a musician in the mad rat race of concerts and success. And yet many musicians just live the love relationship of music and themselves for love of swaras without recognition, money, concerts.
It is not even four months that Bhimsen ji passed away and Madhav ji has followed him ........ for love for revange for passion for what????

Mano Jara

Just started this blog to share my thoughts about music, politics, women and many things which i would like to call Jaunpuri Renditions..........
Gindeji and Jaunpuri, Mano Jara..... yesterday i again heard his Mano Jara in my dream. Just saw this vision - tireless endless waves of sea appeasing the coulds to rain and make love - a genderless love making oof clouds and waves..... wish my dreams are always filled like this.